


Trauma: a Jason Todd short poem

by BJW



Category: Arkham Knight - Fandom, Jason Todd - Fandom, Red Hood - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Living with trauma, Trauma, victimization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:00:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29259342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BJW/pseuds/BJW
Summary: Just a short about Jason's trauma, and the thoughts and feelings I imagine he probably struggled with inside. This is about the effects of trauma itself, there's no happy ending to this short, just an expression of my personal pains that i'm projecting onto Jason.
Kudos: 4





	Trauma: a Jason Todd short poem

When you realize that the trauma still has its teeth in you, that it still controls you, and no matter how much you try to let go and move on, you cant. Because it owns you now as my monster wanted. It's not as easy as making a choice and it goes away. It's a battle every day. The continuous threat plays in your head all night and day. It won't be forgotten. It's song is “don't forget or it will happen worse.” Now I'm in a loop, where the monster's threats are always true. He's never lied, that much is true.

The pain won't stop. It's a master over your life and your destiny is twined up in its pulls. It's heavy and wicked, it never lets you rest. You battle it night and day, hoping for some peace and rests, hoping to find happiness again. But in your heart of hearts you know your life is dead, peace will never find you again. Life will forevermore be a battle in your mind, a battle for your soul. You are forever imprisoned by what was done to you, the monsters won't let you forget, the monster that owns you now.

They taunt you day and night, reminding you of everything you try to forget so that you can have peace so that you can be free to dream again... to live again. But those monsters won't let you heal. They won't let you forget. You are doomed forevermore in what was done to you. There's no way out. There's no path to take. Only an endless battle in your mind against the devils who harmed you. An endless battle that never seizes. Don't ask me how I got here. You'll awaken the beast. He's stronger than me, and he seeks to rob me day and night of hope, of peace, of healing. 

Always reminding me of the feelings I seek to forget. Always hurting me again and again. I try to understand why, but there is no why. There is no end in sight. Even the little victories I have, he only brings up another reminder of another time, of another trauma. I can't even begin to find a reason they should be silent. And until I find a reason to convince him to leave, he will not stop torturing me, yes, in my mind. 

So don't tell me about your pains because of me. Don't tell me mine mattered not to you. Don't tell me mine is surmountable. This is me giving it all that I got. This is me trying to slay the devil that owns me. My victories are short-lived, my thoughts are no longer my own. I share them with a monster who hates me, and I, him.

Don't tell me you know what it's like. Like the flu, you can't remember what it's like fully until your living it. You cant grasp the magnitude until your in it. Don't tell me Im not trying hard enough. I have given it my all, every day, and still, I fall and fail. Don't tell me you're disappointed again and don't tell yourself that I'm not. I loath me as much as you. You cannot even imagine the battle inside my head and heart. Two sides of me at war within myself, two sides of me trying to face the monster who owns us. But the monster will not let us go. How do I slay him? How do I win this war, when it's all in my mind?

How do I become free again from the traumas that destroyed me? How do I move on from this, so I can be myself again? I know when I wronged you-- when my actions make no sense. I know when I lose it, but only after the fact. I know when it's the battles in my mind that dictate my every action, my every outburst, my every sin. I know you don't see it, beneath my skin, that you don't hear it, the voices in my head, I know you cant see the memories that haunt me, antagonizing me day and night.

I know you don't understand, what's happening beneath my surface, god how I wish you did. I wish you saw through it, I wish you had mercy and patience with me. But I know there's a price of value on every life, and there is an ending when it's reached, a point when you walk away from me or worse. I'd be wrong to ask for your patience, I'd be wrong to ask you to stay, or to tell you sorry when my actions betray us both. But asking for it seems like the only hope I have, but would it be wrongly gained?

Time, I need from you, but my every mistake, my every demon that manifests construed by the monster controlling my every thought and subconscious thought, the raping of the trauma and re-trauma again and again... my every mistake you don't understand, I wish to ask you to stay, to not give up on me, to wait for me and for the day I have won the war. But that's a burden to ask of you, and some things aren't worth it, when the point comes you no longer understand my actions, when we know it's a losing battle in my mind. It seems I'm only biding my time for this to all end.


End file.
